Seks op het aanrecht, op de wasmachine, in een steegje of in de auto: het is geen optie meer. Mijn probleem is dat kinderen de beste anticonceptie zijn denkbaar, niet omdat ze nu zo beroerd gelukt zijn. Nee, als er kinderen (wakker) in de buurt zijn, dan vergaat mij alle lust. Ik ben dan met geen mogelijkheid in de stemming te krijgen. Dus overdag vrij ik niet meer.

Dan blijft er dus de avond over. Als de kinderen op bed liggen. In theorie zouden we het op de bank kunnen doen. Voordeel: we hebben een prettige invulling van de avond gevonden. Mogelijk nadeel: de buren kunnen ons zien (en daar ben ik niet zo van) of er staat er ineens weer een kind in de woonkamer dat niet kan slapen. Bovendien, op de bank voelt toch ook wel als gedoe, of ben ik hier alleen in?

Dus dan is er nog maar één fatsoenlijke optie over. Vrijen in bed áls we naar bed gaan. Maar dan moeten we wel tegelijkertijd naar bed gaan, want ik wil niet wakker gemaakt worden voor seks en meneer D. doe ik daar ook geen plezier mee. En dat is ook direct onze grootste vijand die Heilige Slaap. Het is te laat en ik weet dat we weer vroeg wakker zijn en de dag dan onvermijdelijk gaat beginnen. Dus als we het doen, vrijen we met één oog op de klok. Dat helpt de zaak natuurlijk niet. Nét als ik een beetje in de stemming kom, is het alweer over. Dus waarom moeten we überhaupt nog seksen?

Het gebeurt. Veertigers die er helemaal mee ophouden. Met seks. Niet bewust, het gaat geleidelijk en is zo ongelooflijk makkelijk. Als de laatste keer te lang geleden is, durf je op een gegeven moment geen initiatief meer te nemen of je weet niet hoe. Hoe voorkom je dat?

Alhoewel zowel meneer D. als ik heel graag slapen, doen we af en toe alsof het niet belangrijk is, want feitelijk is dat het ook niet (in de context van de mogelijk hypothetische gevolgen van een seksloze relatie: frustraties, vreemdgaan, scheiden..). De plussen:

  1. Na het vrijen val ik sneller in slaap, omdat ik me meer ontspannen voel.
  2. Dit heb ik niet onderzocht, maar dit lijkt me voor de hand liggen, slaap je na (bevredigende) seks direct in een diepere slaap.
  3. Seks zorgt dat ik me over all beter ga voelen, zowel lichamelijk als geestelijk.
  4. Ik voel me aantrekkelijker.
  5. En de belangrijkste voor is nog het verbinden met meneer D. Als wij regelmatig intiem met elkaar zijn, werkt dat ook door in onze communicatie, die gaat veel meer vanzelf dan wanneer we het allemaal wat meer laten versloffen.

Misschien is slapen in jouw relatie niet zo’n issue, maar is jouw vijand De Telefoon, of een televisie, de computer, zijn het jouw vrienden, een goed boek… Signaleer eens, misschien bij wijze van experiment, hoe veel tijd je besteedt aan andere zaken dan aan je partner…? Net zo veel naar je partner kijken als naar je telefoon, of net zo veel fysiek contact met je partner als met je telefoon… Ben ik ouderwets, of is die verhouding vreemd?

Natuurlijk vrijen we minder als we ook minder kunnen slapen, maar mijn seksleven kan ik niet on hold zetten tot de kinderen groot zijn. Als die nachtrust over een paar jaar niet langer meer zo heilig is, dan is het te laat. Voor mij hoort intimiteit, geestelijk en lichamelijk contact bij mijn relatie. Ik kan me geen seksloze relatie voorstellen. Tijdens het vrijen, in contact met meneer D. probeer ik tijd en ruimte los te laten. Goed, de locaties zijn wellicht niet meer zo spannend (op dit moment). Maar los daarvan: moeten we het niet gewoon wat vaker doen?

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